


if somebody (is loving you)

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Goodbye, Hallucinations, M/M, Time Skips, haha - Freeform, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-05 01:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20480450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: donghyuck is far away, yet, so close.





	if somebody (is loving you)

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea what this is its 12am and i have school tomorrow n im a mess also i got a D in english last time so this is terrible ahhaah english is not my native language also haha! so theres 7889 mistakes probably bc i didnt read it again hahah!!!!! also i dont know what the fuck the national science bowl is i just googled american science competitions please dont kill me ahahhah

**5th November, 2015******  
**18:47******  
mark's chin drops onto his chest in his unprecedented slumber and he jerks awake, the overhead white lights of the subway sharply pierces into his vision and he squints and sits straight. the remnants of sunlight stream in though the window on his right, soft colours of the setting sun blooming with all their silent might until that too, fades into blue darkness. there's a few other people seated around him and he still feels cold, somehow, a slight shiver creeping up his arms and he folds them over his chest. his school blazer wasn't helping create warmth. the man sitting a few seats to his left, lets out a throaty cough.  
mark angles his face towards the window, watching the landscape of skyscrapers and houses and trees flow by fluidly. for a few seconds, it feels like the ride won't ever stop- the view slips by endlessly and the man next to him coughs every 5 minutes as if on cue and night never comes and the evening is infinite, like a recording put onto loop forever. in times like these- he feels the presence._his_ presence. it's like warmth and flowers and sunlight, everything beautiful- and right now, it seeps through his left shoulder and arm and down his hands and suddenly donghyuck is here- as if he never left. theres a tuft of brown hair tickling mark's chin and a soft hand laced in his own and weight on his shoulder as donghyuck doses on his side. if he listens hard enough, he can hear donghyuck's tiny snores over the man coughing next to him and the rumbling of the subway. affection blooms in his chest and it just feels _ so good._____  
but mark doesnt dare look away from the window, afraid, that it'll all go away if he does(and he knows it will go away- even he sits there for hours on end.)  
the presence- although what felt like hours- really does just last a few minutes. because the man to his left coughs again and the subway is suddenly shuddering to a stop and mark is cold again, and outside,the sun has long set and darkness has fallen- or maybe the sun hadn't even been setting to begin with- and the train had been travelling through the night all that long. the space next to him is empty, and his hand is cold, and unheld.  
he lets out a sigh and digs his phone out of his pocket and clicks it open. there's a text from jeno.

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hey wanna play mindecraft my computer isn't actinf up anymore (17:32)  
minecraft* (17:33)  
acting* (17:33)

yea ok im almost home (19:14)

the time stamp of his own text makes mark frown, because he realizes that he should have gotten jeno's message at the shop, somewhere between his shift. he slings his school bag over his shoulder- it feels alot lighter than it did at school, somehow- and stands up to leave, but not before turning around, to catch one last glimpse of the seat he sat in.  
He takes the same subway every once in a while when jaehyun steals his bike without telling him and mark walks out of the shop after his shift, cursing at the empty spot where he should have found his bike.  
i should take the subway tomorrow too, he thinks, because mark is young and foolish and grasps at every chance he gets to drown in donghyuck's sweet presence- even if it really just is a figment of his imagination.

**15th May, 2016******  
**14:36******  
it's hot, and the humidity is eating away at marks brain and hands and legs and it feels like any small movement would be enough friction to ignite his entire body into flames. it's chemistry period, and the teacher sits at the end of the class, his face hid behind a folder that he's reading. mark can feel his glasses slowly slip down the bridge of his nose under all that sweat that's accumulated on his face and under his nose. there's something about catalytic converters scribbled in chicken scratch over the board behind the teacher thats supposed to be Very Important and the kids next to him have their heads ducked down over their notebooks. mark doesnt understand what's taking them so long to write it, because he already has,although he doesn't particularly remember what it was because his thoughts are hazy and melting into eachother at this point. his mind wanders to jaemin texting him that he's skipping today because he's sick and mark's thinking, _lucky fucking bastard_, because he'd rather be sick than sit in this class. he turns his head to the left, resting his chin in his hand and, then, he sees him.__  
there's a kid sitting right next to the window. he's sitting exactly like mark- so mark cant see his face because he's staring outside the window. outside, theres a torn up flag that's flapping aimlessly in the wind on a nearby rooftop almost as high as the class they were in. the flag is dirty too, so he cant exactly tell what it belongs to or what it's for. the wind blows in through the window, not too strong, but sickeningly warm, and mark frowns but he's still staring at the head of the kid sitting next to him- a mop of brown hair and tanned legs and shiny skin and baggy shorts.  
but this time, mark isn't as awestruck as he used to be(but he still doesnt look away), because it has happened all too many times by now. somewhere between these times, mark tells himself the truth- donghyuck moved away a long, long time ago, and he believes it- yet he still sees him. unwillingly, even. unexpectedly. sometimes it happens  
after a month or two- just when mark is sure that it isn't gonna happen- infact, he forgets.  
and it is bliss, but then there's the stupid fucking feeling in his gut that makes him turn around twice to look at that certain tall kid who just walk past him in the corridor, or that kid standing at the counter at the bakery across the street from his shop, or even the fucking _pizza delivery man_ that mark just paid at 2am in the morning at his door step because he's sleepy but also is pulling an all nighter because he has SATs in a week.__  
and everytime, mark urges himself to look away- slap himself, run away, pinch his own arm- but he never really does. not unless someone else does it for him.  
what is donghyuck doing right now?  
maybe he's asleep, or eating, or sitting in class like mark is, wherever he is.  
and then someone says his name and he freezes- not that he was moving before, but his heart almost stops and theres this sinking feeling in his chest because he's thinking what the fuck my hallucinations never fucking talked before, and then he hears it again, a little louder this time; "mark lee." and whips his head around to see his chemistry teacher standing over him, frowning at the piece of paper under mark's arm. mark follows his gaze to the bold letters on the sheet that says 'Quiz' on it. there's questions under the heading, the answering spaces empty. 

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_fuck.___  
_they were having a fucking quiz.___  
the apology is spilling out of his mouth before he even registers what happened but his teacher has turned away now, leaving a firm '_you're up for detention, mark lee.'___  
across the class, jenos turned around, watching mark, a confused expression on his face. mark holds his gaze for a few seconds, unsure of how to respond. he's a little bummed when he's suddenly drinking in the fact that jeno doesn't look anywhere close to exhausted, not as much mark knows he himself, does.  
he breaks eye contact as the bell rings, and kids start leaving the class immediately and jeno stands up, too sliding his books into his bag. mark sighs loudly, shaking his head, dropping it onto his desk with a thud , because he can't find the energy to move his legs. his hands falling to his sides. he doesnt turn his head to see if donghyuck's still sitting there.

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**23rd July, 2017******  
**18:05******  
his hallucinations do fucking talk. whatever they are- but it happened. he can't tell precisely when it did began, because the first time it did, it felt ordinary and normal, which it shouldn't fucking be. it happened like this; 

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mark's shift just ended and his joints are _aching_ he's scrubbed the same table tops enough times to do it with his eyes closed, and his fingers are numb and his feet hurt. jaehyun stole his fucking bike again, and he knows because he was watching it happen through the glass door when he was taking an elderly woman's order standing behind the counter but he was too tired to interfere so he sighed quietly as he put down his notepad and shook his head, watching jaehyun grin at him and then taking off. so, now he steps out from behind the counter one last time , and heads over to where donghyuck had been sitting- a table on the end of the shop, for almost an hour now. he doesn't miss the way doyoung wiped that particular table without noticing donghyuck- of course he wouldn't, mark thinks. doyoung is standing behind the counter now, in his place, dealing with a few customers, hunched over his notepad. mark plops down on the seat across of donghyuck, crosses his arms onto the table and puts his head down, closing his eyes, too tired to realize he hadn't been this close to donghyuck in a while.__

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"you're tired," donghyuck says. His voice is sweet yet sharp- it shakes mark from his exhaustion and he looks up, blinking the sleep away from his eyes. donghyuck is sitting across him, leaning forward just a bit, his chin resting on his hand. there'sa tiny smile on his heart shaped lips, and his hair's a lighter shade of brown than it had been before. moles are scattered across his tanned skin like a constellation and mark's thinking,_ i can count those,_but he wills himself not too, because that'd be creepy, even though there's a voice in his head telling him,_oh my God what the fuck are you doing this is a hallucination you stupid bitch oh my god _-____

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mark doesn't know how he missed it, but donghyuck is wearing the staff uniform too. it takes him a few seconds to respond, because the words died out in his throat, but he exhales calmly.  
"and you're in my head," mark deadpans.  
"and you like math," donghyuck continues, raising his voice a little in disbelief, "of all the things mark lee..", a pause, as he crosses his hands over the table and leans forward,"you're a nerd."  
donghyuck's shaking his head and sighing, and mark is annoyed suddenly, because he really is looking forward to the math camp that mr. yuta is getting him signed into. he grumbles and gets up to head home.  
and it's not until he gets home and then wakes up in the morning- that he realizes the absurdity of what had happened.  
he's feeling groggy and miserable- and insane too.

**1st February, 2018******  
**23:12******  
"how do you," he looks up from his notebook, loosening the tight grip over his pen, "keep getting older?"  
donghyuck is lying on his stomach over his bed, his legs held up and moving side to side playfully. he has a snowglobe in his hand, mark's fifteenth birthday present. mark donghyuck hums in response, and mark eyes donghyuck's fingers that are closed around the sphere. donghyuck usually doesn't touch things- especially if renjun's still in the dorm too.  
a few months ago, when senior year began, mark moved in with renjun at his hostel, one of jeno's friends. mark wouldn't say that it was one of the best decisions of his life- but by the time he starts to regret it, he realizes how important his friends are to him now. renjun, the others. and suddenly he's realizing that his decisions aren't based on what his _parents_ want for him anymore- he's doing it for himself, and the people he loves and the life he's built.__  
he continues, dropping his pen on his notebook and turning around in his chair fully.  
"technically, the last time i was you was when i was 8. shouldn't you be looking like...a 7 year old or something?," he says.  
donghyuck drops the snowglobe and rolls around to face mark. this caught his attention, mark realizes as he sees the grin on donghyuck's face grow coyly.  
"maybe you did see me after that, and you just dont remember? because you're a fucking dumbass."  
considering the fact that donghyuck was just a part of mark's mind- he really was fucking mean. to himself. or something.  
he wants to say something else- but then his dorm door bursts open and jeno walks in and throws his textbooks in a heap onto renjun's bed carelessly. he is followed by jisung and renjun- who throw their bags to the side quickly. mark looks at them questioningly, and then suddenly they're all huddled around him. he doesn't miss the way donghyuck's sitting up in his bed, silently watching. the snowglobe sits on the nightstand beside his bed.  
"get up."  
"we're sneaking out,"  
"now."  
they all speak at once- the speeches slurring together and it takes a few seconds for mark to comprehend. he glances at the wall clock behind them and sighs.  
"it's past 11. mc nancy or whatever her name is- she's probably smoking pot at the entrance right now."  
nancy is the gate keeper of their hostel- and the only thing she's good at is stopping kids from leaving after 11pm, and before 6am. she's annoying as fuck, but then again, mark thinks, atleast she's good at her job.  
"mc nancy is screwing block B's janitor right now, mark. get the fuck up. this is our one chance. dont fuck this up" renjun says, tugging at his arm and pulling him up.  
mark laughs at that a bit because _he knows block B's janitor_and the thought is funny- but suddenly they hear a yell from the corridor outside, and mark can immediately tell that it's chenle, and he's telling them,"_HURRY THE FUCK UP SHE'S COMING BACK_,"and then jeno's pushing mark and the four of them are stumbling out and the door behind the closes with a sharp bang jeno's saying something like, _oh my fucking God mark do you want to tell the entire hostel that we're sneaking out,_ and jisung's laughing as they run.______  
thankfully, they make it outside and chenle is waiting at the entrance with jaemin. the two of them see the other four running towards them and smiles break out onto their faces. and they're almost there, because jisung has slowed down next to him and he's saying "oh my god that was so close," but somewhere around the _close_ someone yells again- and its not either of them but a seventh voice, piercing through the corridors of the hostel.__  
what's funny is that neither of them say anything when they hear it- because they know all too well mc nancy's voice, so they all fucking bolt, feet snapping against the pavement as they distance themselves from the hostel and mc nancy's screams. minutes pass and they're all running and laughing, lungs burning and blood coursing through their veins faster than ever, the muscles of their legs aching with every step but they're all still running aimlessly through campus, the night sky blue and purple above them and the wind so cold that everyone's noses and fingertips and ears are red and numb. and then mark has that feeling again- he knows there's another person running next to him- a person only he knows of.  
donghyuck's laughing too- it sounds like a sweet melody, like dripping honey to hear, despite the howling wind. mark can see him as he slows his pace a little- brown locks of hair striking and his tanned skinned is fucking glowing even though it's 12am and there's not alot of lights around them.  
_this is happiness,_mark thinks, because it's not entirely perfect, because he's drowning in assignments and homeworks and math competitions and his parent's expectations- yet he's trying his best. they all are, he thinks, watching his friends run past him. __

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they're all trying. and that means something.

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but nature had other plans for him. as if having hallucinations of his old best friend weren't enough.

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**2nd May, 2018******  
**11:03******  
mark's slumped on the ground, his back resting on the wall behind him, his head resting on renjun's shoulder. jaemin has his head resting on mark's legs, and he's reading a book that's wedged between his thumb and fingers, holding it up with one hand. mark has no idea where he gets the energy to be reading a fucking book after 3 hours of a bus ride- but then again. it's jaemin, he thinks.  
they're sitting in a hall that's supposedly a meeting room but there isn't enough seats yet and it's being filled with students wearing similar uniforms as them. they're at the National Science Bowl- mark had went last year, and the year before that, although jaemin joined them last year, when he moved schools. They're all science students- but despite this being the third, and possibly the last time mark comes here- the anxiety sets in, building up since the left campus. students pile in endlessly, and mark sits up now- he needs fresh air.  
he tells renjun he'll be back in five, and then he's walking off, and renjun doesn't question it, nodding silently, yet knowingly, because mark always does this.  
He's walking past the kids when he remembers the last time he talked to donghyuck. it was almost a day ago, and he's hoping he can meet him before the competition starts.  
a few kids stand near the entrance, distributing brochures. he approaches them casually, because suddenly he can feel why jaemin's reading. and then it happens. 

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he's walking- when he sees donghyuck standing next to the kids. hes wearing the same uniform as them- it looks ridiculous, but donghyuck makes it look pretty, somehow. he's relieved, and he takes another step, and then his stomach drops.

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because donghyuck has a stack of brochures in his hand. and he isn't looking at mark, he's looking at someone standing infront of him, handing them a brochure from the pile he's clutching in his right hand. he's talking to another fucking person.  
mark's still walking, but slowly now, because what is happening is unbelievable. he might as well be dreaming right now- but he's sweating, and everything is real. and suddenly he's standing infront of donghyuck now, and donghyuck's smiling at him- the smile is a little questioning, unsure.  
he hands out a brochure to mark- and mark is unsure about the expression he himself has on his face at this point.  
_everything is real.___

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he's real.

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"hi?," donghyuck is saying, one of his eyebrow raised.

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mark inhales, exhales.

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"hi," he says- it comes out small, like a whisper.

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donghyuck smiles.

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happiness.

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**Author's Note:**

> haha this is stupid as fuck N THERES A TRILLION ERRORS IN IT AND IDK HOW TO USE THIS BC ALL THE ITALICS N BOLDS DISAPPEARED GRR im never writing again if u actually got this far................ thank u n good night / day
> 
> p.s; i didnt think id get more than 6 hits lol hah  
i wrote this bc i was missing someone but i can't really tell them. a few scenes i wrote are actually times i experienced, and caught myself thinking about them.


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